Seek to Understand

We are all living with pretty limited awareness - of ourselves and others. Most of the time, we may not even realize why we do or think the things we do. We don't understand why something hurts us.

I find that when I am hurt, it's hard to even put it into words. Feeling hurt is a sensation, a gripping tightness in my chest, or a punch in my gut. When I try to get my mind involved, and put words to the sensation, so many ideas and old wounds are navigating the experience. It's almost as if by naming it, by trying to put it to words, I am depriving myself of the experience of the sensation. Once the mind is involved, ego and fear quickly take over; I am no longer focused on the current hurt, and am instead reliving everything old and in the past.

The only way out of this, in my experience, is to pause. I try not to jump to conclusions. I try not to assume. I try to own my part, which is seeking to understand myself better. If someone hurts me, can I sit with the sensation long enough to accept and to listen?

The immediate reaction to anything painful is to get out. Stop the pain. End the suffering. We can hop out of the pain in several ways. If a person hurts you, you can get into a fight. You can lash out or create drama. You can use alcohol or drugs to numb. You can take naps (nothing against naps). You can shop, eat, or talk to yourself endlessly about all the reasons you are right and they are wrong.

It's helpful to understand how pain works. Anything we experience as a sensation is moving. One moment it may feel tight and acute, and a few hours later we might feel relief. Then the sensation might start again, but in a different place or with a different quality. The sensation might bring up memories or fears. The sensation might bring up future worries that haven't even happened. Pain will move, but only if we allow it. Anything we do to drown out the pain will prevent it from teaching us what we need to learn, and also healing us from that experience - past or present.

Emotions will move once they are addressed and acknowledged.

This doesn't mean you don't take action. Any relationship requires communication in order to be heard, and to understand. Hopefully by communicating, you can feel both understood, and more understanding. We don't have to agree with someone's opinion in order to understand where they are coming from. We don't have to have the same viewpoint in order to gain awareness of how their experience has brought them where they are. We don't even need resolution. Any misunderstanding is an opportunity to learn more about ourself and those we care about.

Being hurt or in pain is difficult and uncomfortable. It might not look like much, but those who stay in it, in order to gain the highest understanding, are abiding warriors. Ask your pain, what are you here to teach me? Ask your heart, can I endure this? You can. You'll know when it is too much. You'll know when you have veered into something unhealthy or toxic. The path is never-ending, and full of constant lessons. Seeking to understand keeps us humble, and is a great reminder that there is always more to learn.