I Change, but I am also the Same
My children only expose every insecurity I've ever had because parenting is a daily practice in self-love and self-discipline, which are two areas I need to work on. No matter how much we grow, awaken, and work to reach our highest self, we are still ourself. Owning my shadow might look like accepting the fact that I hate being rejected and ignored. But just because I feel dismissed by my children doesn't mean I have to act on it by overly blaming them. We still have the parts of us we don't like, but willingness to accept them and face them makes these qualities a little less scary, and a little more manageable.
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Today I was Enough
Part of moving on from my marriage has been learning to be independent - financially, emotionally, as a parent, and as a home owner. I have learned that I am my own rescuer, not someone else. Relying on people is good, but not at the expense of disregarding our own capabilities and worth. I am no different on my own than I was when I was married - I only believed the illusion that life was easier and safer with a partner.
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Let Go of the Story
Our life is cloaked in stories based on experience. When something validates our story, it makes the groove that much deeper, and the story that much more believable. Our stories create habits that turn into addictions and obsessions. Our stories prevent us from taking risks. They keep us safe and tethered to the material world and all its illusions. Our stories keep us small; because as long as our ego tells us we are unworthy, lacking, and not enough, it holds all the power.
What story have you been telling yourself?
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Breaking to be Whole
There's an idea I love about gathering the scattered pieces of ourselves. Meaning, when we start to get curious about who we are, we begin a process of collecting and exposing all the things we have kept hidden. We start to dig and uncover. Instead of relying on someone else to fix us, we own ourself fully. We learn to accept ourself, forgive ourself, and take care of ourself, maybe for the first time.
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What it means to Listen to your Heart
I took out my journal and wrote. There was no one to call and no other distraction. I wrote about past pain and experiences, everything from childhood bullying to boyfriends to my marriage and ex husband. I wrote pages of anger and resentment and fear. The anxiousness turned into a panic as I realized how much I hadn't dealt with, how many difficult emotions I hadn't honored. What if I can't do this? What if I shouldn't be thinking about these things?
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I Align with My Truth
If you are spiraling. If you feel control slipping, anxiety peaking, unhealthy voices and behaviors escalating, stop and look in the mirror. Who do you see, and is she the person you intended? Does her outside match the inside? Or is it time for a realignment? Speak to her in the mirror - not a story or a criticism, but something real and true.
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The Role of Silence
Our society is like one giant hoarder, and there is no space left to listen or to be. Within the mess, there is no reality, only illusion and distraction. We drag around the residue of old wounds and relationships. We bend our heads over phones and computers. We expose our minds to continuous senses and information, and we carelessly grab at pieces to listen to.
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One Year Sober
I wanted to write a hero story about my one year sobriety anniversary, a story about all the presence I’ve experienced with my children. About the peace and patience that have found permanent spots in my body. About behaviors that used to be wildly foreign and uncomfortable, like saying no, sitting still, and honoring myself. These behaviors have become more familiar.
I wanted to write about healing by unearthing pain from my body, and letting it go, but that makes the journey sound too transcendent. In reality, days have been hard, and often grueling. They require discipline and self-care.
There is no coping mechanism for being jarred awake in life.
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Yoga as a Spiritual Path
In yoga, we access our true Self through the body. This fascinates me. We should not pretend that our body is merely physical, as if it supports our life and our organs, but that’s it. We should not lie and say the physical body does not matter. Our entire society is obsessed with people’s bodies! So it matters. But yoga is not appearance and it’s not clothes. It’s not poses or flexibility. It’s not toned muscles and perfect Warrior poses. Yoga is a journey, and a path to truth and enlightenment.
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Navigating the Pink Cloud of Writing, and Life
Embarking on a quest brings tail wagging excitement upon anticipation. Images scroll through your mind, and you of course create a rendition of the final product – the photo snapped when you finally reach the mountain’s peak. But in the middle of the process, as you are climbing, thirsty, and with aching muscles, your mind forgets the initial euphoria and you wonder if all of it was a dream, or worse, a crazy, futile aspiration.
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Making Space: 3 Ways I Love my Boys through Divorce
It would be so much easier to erase the whole incident, ignore my own needs and put everyone back together, even if you could still see the tape and glue and flaws. Divorce is not something I wished for my children.
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What I Learned from 108 Sun Salutations
The endurance of cleaning out closets and re-purposing rooms provides a kind of strength, a cleansing, and possibly a rebirth. My identity begins to reveal itself in every room, in the pale pink walls, the over-stuffed bookshelves, and the all-white chandelier.
My upward dog gets stronger the more I flow, and I let go of what it should look like, and simply do what feels best for me.
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I'm 40 (Inhale)
The greatest lesson I’ve learned in life is that my path is not my plan. I can’t hold onto anything. Nothing is mine – not even my own boys. I get to guide them, teach them, and observe them in awe, but the path God has set for them is not up to me. I am a witness to their journey, and hopefully I can honor that position.
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You can radically accept, in order to change
When change is necessary, we will feel rocked, shaken, uncomfortable and unready – actually, probably very unready. We want to hide – and there are oh-so-many great hiding places – anger, isolation, addiction, self-righteousness, pain, illness, rumination, gossip, lashing out on social media, blame, and of course, self-loathing. Anything to avoid the unbearable squeeze of change looming, and the knowledge that it is up to us to do something about it if we want to stop feeling this way.
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The Lens of LOVE
When your heart opens, you fall in love. For your heart to open, you must be vulnerable. To be vulnerable, you must be willing to leave the safety of illusion and only see truth, no matter how shaky or painful.
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When Fear is Upon Us - Healing Samskara
What if you found out your worst nightmare is a figment of your imagination?
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All In
The sun shines down on my outstretched arms as I stand strong in Warrior Two, back leg straight and sideways,
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To Make a Beginning
It is Saturday, so my husband Nick stays home with the boys while I go to yoga class.
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