The Benefit of Knowing Your Values

As a recovering people pleaser, I need to constantly remind myself of my own needs, wants, and desires. It took me 40 years of life to understand that when I just "go with the flow" I lose out every single time. Which leads to resentment, confusion, and eventually, a complete falling apart of Self. 

When I avoid conflict for the sake of others, and to prevent my own temporary discomfort, I become victim to everyone else and every life circumstance that comes my way. Instead, I am learning to create my own reality. And this ownership over my life and what it looks like is exhilarating, but comes with responsibility. All of a sudden, I am in control, which means I own my triumphs as well as my mistakes.

I've always held the false belief that I don't care - I'm chill, easy-going and laid-back, which is a nice way of saying, I am a huge pushover. I let everyone make decisions for me so I don't have to upset anyone, and also (conveniently) I don't have to be responsible for anything that happens to me. When I let my friend order dinner, because I claim that I don't really care, I might not get the meal I want. When I allow society to tell me I need a certain career and a mortgage in order to feel successful, I ignore my own personal definition of success. When I acquiesce to my partner's hobbies and interests, because I don't have any of my own, I dishonor and betray any part of me that begs to be fulfilled. Like a chameleon, I morph into whatever the current boyfriend or circumstance requires, all in an effort to avoid speaking up, and actually admit how I feel. I keep myself small, hidden, and basically, nonexistent.

Your values direct your choices which direct your actions which direct your day-to-day.

I did an exercise a few years ago with a spiritual mentor - she had me write down my highest values. Surprisingly, I knew exactly what they were! In no particular order, my highest values are: family, writing, teaching, and my faith (my faith includes yoga and meditation). Even more surprisingly, all my values are pretty woven together and dependent on one another. When I let one go, the others suffer. Likewise, when I focus on one, like teaching, that value seeps into the others, like writing a book or parenting. 

My mentor then asked me to list how I spent my time each day. My boys usually came first, but that meant I wasn't always spending time on my own needs, like my writing, my yoga, or my meditation practice. I was shocked to see how much money played out in my day-to-day, despite the fact that money was not on my list of values.

Seeing everything laid out on paper made me realize how much I did for others even when it didn't line up with any of my highest values. Of course we need money to live, but my job didn't have to take precedent over everything else; in fact, when I shifted my life choices in order to align with my values, I discovered there are many ways to make money doing what I actually love. I also discovered that by not doing things that don't support my values, I had so much more time. I was able to see friends and help my parents. I was able to play with my kids and read more books. I was able to attend more yoga, do more writing, meditate longer, calm down, feel free, have fun, and seriously enjoy each day. 

I still get caught up in the people pleasing. I still lose track of myself and it takes me days or even weeks to figure out why I'm so impatient and agitated. It's almost always because I have dishonored myself by forgetting about my values. Putting myself and my values first allows me to do more for everyone else in my life - which is also a value of mine. The exercise has been life changing. Each time I am faced with a difficult decision, I go back to my list. Where does this fit into who I really am? And then the decision is easy.