Ponderings about Presence (and truth)
The idea of presence is simple yet profound. Like parenting, meditating, or any routine, presence is a continual practice. Simply, presence is being wholly in the moment. But the practice of presence presents many challenges and contradictions. How can we stay present with the constant onslaught of thoughts that arrive or tasks to be done? When we do experience presence, we know it. There is a sense of peace and oneness, a feeling that everything is ok just as it is - that WE are ok, just as we are. But the feeling is often fleeting, and escapes us just as we seem to have a handle on it. Our mind wanders. We congratulate ourselves on being present, and then, because of the voice, presence is gone. We are in our heads, and therefore our body can be anywhere. We can be driving in our car, or sitting on our mat, or having a conversation with our son, and we are not really there. We are with the voice - the loud, persistent, critical voice.
“This is why everything in the human realm is temporary - failure, success, shame, and praise. And the reason these states are temporary is because they feed the ego. ”
My 10 year old said to me tonight, after an argument, "When you're inside your emotions, it's hard to think straight."
Exactly, dear child. Exactly.
Our emotions are valid. They exist inside our cells and our tissues. They make themselves known through uncomfortable sensations and bubble to the surface in the form of unhealthy habits and destructive actions. When our mind attaches itself to the emotion, it adds a story, and our mind is an excellent narrator. Our mind will create wild tapestries of imagination, good and bad. We might find ourselves day dreaming about a grand future or ego-fulfilling wish, or we might get lost in a dark tunnel of shame and loathing. We might berate ourselves over something we regret, and once our ego starts narrating, we cannot exit the laudatory spiral.
What if we very simply consider this: there is no critical voice. Regardless of how we feel, any voice that attaches a story to our emotions is not real. Any voice in our heads that places judgment or critique, or even positive feedback, moves us way from presence.
This is why everything in the human realm is temporary - failure, success, shame, and praise. And the reason these states are temporary is because they feed the ego. The ego is bolstered and strengthened by compliments as well as criticism. The ego can bring us so low we feel worthless and full of guilt. And just as quickly, the ego can slingshot us back up again, until we feel proud and vindicated. None of it is real, which is why none of it lasts.
When we cling to anything outside the present moment to fulfill us, we might temporarily feel relief, but not for long. I can eat a delicious brownie and enjoy every bite as the velvety sweetness fills my tongue and tastebuds. But not long after, when the brownie reaches my digestion and causes a stomachache, I might wonder if the yummy taste was worth it. (Side note, brownies are always worth it.)
The point is, we can indulge in something external for a temporary fix, but the moment will never be sustainable or long term. As long as we understand this, we can enjoy delicious food, loving relationships, and career successes, all the while knowing they are not the solution to accepting who we are. When we grab at anything outside ourselves to complete us, to fix us, or to save us, the moment will never last.
In my yoga classes this week, I paid a lot of attention to my thoughts. We focused our attention on breath and simple movements. We focused on meditation and the practice of being still. If you witness your thoughts, you'll notice that they come... and then they go. If you don't attach a judgment to the thoughts, you'll notice they aren't a big deal. Positive or negative, the thoughts still pass through. The judgement we attach is what keeps the thought alive, and therefore takes us away from presence. We could be praising ourself for flying strong in Warrior 3, or criticizing our core for not balancing fully in Crow. The key in yoga is to practice remaining the observer, and not attaching a "good or bad" to anything that is happening.
We can practice being the observer in life as well. In our home, in our families, in our jobs. The only thing that is real, is exactly what is.
Here is your practice: Can we let the critical voice travel by like an old, rusty car with the muffler dangling off? The car is obscene, annoying, and rumbles loudly for our attention, but if we wait, and remind ourselves, it's just an old car, then the car will drive by, and the next one that arrives might be a more pleasant, newer model. The ego clings more easily to shameful, negative thoughts than benign or positive ones. Can we practice allowing the thoughts to travel by, and not attaching a story? Can we remain open to the idea that our story does not make the critical voice disappear - it only makes it burrow in more deeply.
The only sustainable feeling is peace. The only real feeling is peace. And the only way to feel peace, is through presence.