Whatever it Takes

“Life is one, big, long practice to learn to be who we already are.”

I'm beginning to realize life is one, big, long practice in learning to be who we already are. Somewhere between birth and 5 years old, we develop an idea of what the world expects from us. We notice that crying elicits a certain response. We follow our parent's or caregiver's cues. We behave accordingly, and we lock in beliefs about how to act.

As we get older, we apply this learned skill to more things in life - we adopt roles when we notice approval or disapproval, we create masks to hide shameful emotions, and we don layers of protection to shield us from pain. 

We attach our identity to someone else's smile, instead of our own heart.

We attach our worth to someone else's words... or a paycheck, or a new title... instead of relying on our own sense of self.

In fact, over many many years, we forget who we are. We believe in the roles so intently, we forget we are wearing masks in the first place. 

Somewhere around the age of 37, I asked myself what I had done wrong. If life was supposed to look like marriage, a house in a nice neighborhood, friends, family, evenly mowed grass, two cars, two kids, two careers - I had all that. So why did I feel so unsettled? And why did I need at least an entire bottle of wine to get through the night? Wasn't everything fine? 

Everything appeared fine, because I was so good at playing the role. I had mastered wearing all the masks, keeping all the balls in the air, and I had completely abandoned myself. And my soul knew it. That's why I hated myself.

Since I had lived 37 years of life making sure to please others and society, pivoting sharply to uncover my true self has not been easy. We don't make the decision and then, wham, just like that, our original self returns. Masks of lifelong identity take gentle patience to chisel off; layers of illusion and false belief take deep self-reflection to even see and then decide how to remove. 

Spiritual surgery - so we can discover who the world intended us to be in the first place. Silly, right? On the other hand, maybe there is something about the journey, about the day I decided to pivot. Maybe the day I chose to fight for myself was the day the Universe looked at me and said, "Yep, she's ready. She's tasted it, and she wants more."

I hope that's what the Universe said to me that day. Because I feel like through this often painfully revealing journey, the Universe has been with me, by my side. As far as I have come, I am always reminded that I have so much further to go. This lifetime is, in fact, a big journey to discover oneself.

The Universe wants you to see who you are.

The world has been waiting for you.

Do whatever it takes.