To Practice Nonviolence

Has anyone ever given you a compliment and you simply cannot believe or accept it? Does your brain tell you they don't mean what they say? Does the voice in your head point out anything negative it can think of around the comment? Do you actually say out loud, "yeah but...."

Our view of others is always much more loving and accepting than our view of ourself. And according to yoga philosophy, and the concept of non-violence, these seemingly harmless critical whispers actually cause a lot of damage. We become conditioned to dismiss a compliment.

Which means we become conditioned to dismiss ourself. 

What happens when you don't get the job you really wanted? How do you talk to yourself after you read the rejection letter? Do phrases like, "I interview terribly; I never should have tried to get that job in the first place; Who do I think I am?" float to the surface of your mind? 

Worse, do you actually internalize and believe these words? Maybe you even believe the words so much you start to sell yourself short, and rather than risk the sting of rejection again, you apply for a job that is beneath you, to ensure success by playing life small. 

Just like we've been conditioned to accept a constant, critical voice, we can also condition ourselves to not listen. We certainly don't have to act on what the voice tells us. I used to think something was drastically wrong with my self-esteem and my psyche that I had such a continual stream of negative thoughts about myself when I actually started to pay attention. I had no idea how long I had been hearing this critical voice or all the ways it had possibly affected my life and my choices. 

I sat in a recovery circle of 50 people at a weekend retreat last October. The exercise was to get comfortable accepting compliments. The person next to us had to say something like, "I really loved and appreciated when you ______ fill in the blank." And we had to look the person in the eye, and say whole-heartedly, "Thank you. I really like hearing that." 

Oh my gosh it was harder than I thought! We weren't allowed to shrug our shoulders, or roll our eyes, or wave a hand in their direction in order to point out that what we did was no big deal. We had to accept their words, take them in, and simply say, thank you.

The activity made me realize how often I am critical of myself every single day - when others are around or when I am by myself. I started taking the practice into my daily life by saying out loud, every time something good happened or someone gave me a compliment, "Thank you. I really like hearing that."

When I started observing my critical voice from a neutral state of mind, I realized I didn't have to get rid of the voice in order to overcome it. Of course, we all have doubt creep in - we all question a lavish compliment or an accolade of some kind. The key is to notice the thought, and have the courage to dismiss the voice instead of ourself. We can take a moment to pause, politely tell the critical thought to shut up, and then accept the compliment graciously. A "thank you very much!" is all we need to say - no "buts". 

Likewise, when something bad happens, like we don't get the job we really wanted, or a partner rejects us, or we make a mistake, we don't need to berate and beat ourselves up. We don't need to buy into the story that the experience has anything to do with who we are, at our core. Everyone will get rejected. Everyone will screw up - sometimes big and sometimes small. The critical voice will be there no matter what the event. 

Watch for it. Notice what your critical voice sounds like. 

Mine is a crazy bitch. Mine tells me lies all the time. I've learned to politely (and sometimes not so politely) say, shut up.

The first step to loving yourself unconditionally is to stop the violence - and that includes the quiet, critical voice in your head, that no one else can hear.