We all do things, intentionally or unintentionally, that require forgiveness. It's always up to the other person to decide whether or not to forgive us. If we're really remorseful about what we've done, the biggest sign of that is when we change our behavior. After making a mistake, all we can do is learn from it. No excuses, no justifications, just moving on in a new, knowledgable way.

People who love us understand we are not perfect. And they will forgive. Part of loving someone means we show them all parts of ourself, even the ones that aren't the most flattering. Those who love us know who we are at our core - loving, well-intentioned, good. Being forgiven by someone else is humbling, and a wonderful gift.

I find it much harder to forgive myself. Forgiving others means I accept their good and bad qualities, and their human-ness. Forgiving myself means I am also human, and capable of hurting others. This is harder to admit.

A yoga instructor once told me,

A strong ego can be transcended. A weak ego cannot.

I questioned him - wouldn't it be the opposite? Human beings all have ego. Yoga practices work to transcend the ego in order to get to the true self, the part of us that is real. Many call this pure love. According to yoga, the ego keeps us in illusion, either full of false pride, or dripping with made-up unworthiness. Sometimes both.

A strong ego can be transcended. A weak ego cannot.

A strong ego is worthy, smart, capable, and with the right amount of pride and self-love. A weak ego is self-deprecating, unfaithful, with no belief in oneself, and filled with self-wallowing. A strong ego may aim for the stars, but has a good amount of fear along the way. A strong ego has humility and can get back up after being knocked down. A strong ego can see itself clearly, because the person learns and recalibrates after mistakes.

A weak ego doesn't get very far, because the person cannot even take the first step. A weak ego gets high on self-loathing and despair. In wallowing, self-loathing, and despair, it is impossible to forgive ourself.

We've all been there - we'd rather feel sorry for ourself than take the steps necessary to be forgiven, and to grow.

Feeling sorry for ourself feeds the ego just like ballooning ourself up with successes and self-righteousness. Both are false, but the weak ego is harder to transcend. The weak ego is actually, "stronger".

The times I've really had to forgive myself - when I have really really REALLY screwed up - are the times I have gone into self-loathing and despair. I've wallowed in self pity, guilt, shame, doubt, and unworthiness. I've stayed there for days, even weeks or months. How do we get out?

Grace steps in. Every time, there is something outside of myself, that pulls me out. There is some amount of love from another person who knows me, or from a higher power, that reminds me I am not a horrible person. When I get that nudge, that I am not terrible, that all hope is not lost, and I can still be good, despite this mistake, I begin to return to truth.

None of us are perfect. We want to own our mistakes in order to learn. We don't want to be so full of pride we can't admit when we've done something wrong, and we also don't want to be so full of unworthiness that we can't pull ourselves out. Forgiving ourself happens when we decide we are worth it.

I believe when we realize we are worth it, despite our flaws, that's something much bigger. That's grace.