When Your Light is Dim

Regardless of outside circumstance, people's behaviors, or any exterior view, you are, at your core, still you.

There is a light that forever exists inside you, even when you don't feel like shining, even when you don't feel like you have anything else to give, and even when you don't feel so bright.

I’ve been sick for a week and got my positive Covid results Monday. Bleh. Luckily, my symptoms are not that bad, and I will make it through. Still, being sick often takes more from us than just our physical ability. Illness has emotional and mental effects as well.

The dullness of being sick, of needing to slow down, and of having a constantly foggy head makes it easy to forget myself. Being sick and not being able to do all the day-to-day things I am used to makes me realize how much I rely on the external activities to define me. The lack of busyness and productivity make me feel unlike myself, and honestly, kind of worthless. A good friend checked in on me and said something along these lines, "Remember who you are. You're Molly Chanson. And you're a badass."

Her words sunk into my skin like the fierce hug I wish I could give and get from someone right now. I perked up. I felt my chest rise with my deep inhale. I am. I am still here, still breathing, still being, still me.

An illness or injury can temporarily prevent us from doing things we love - hobbies, exercises, travel, activity. Activities are important to us, and of course make up a piece of our identity. But maybe when we are forced to step away, it can be an opportunity to assess how we value ourself - or de-value ourself. Maybe the pandemic is forcing us inside. Maybe the pandemic is forcing isolation from friends and activities. And in this there is a lesson in how we view and treat ourself. Maybe the acts of self-care that are so needed right now, as difficult as they are to implement, will serve as a good reminder when life returns to normal, and we once again take our lives for granted. Or maybe, there will be a shift.

Gatherings with family will no longer be taken for granted. Being able to taste and smell delicious food will no longer be taken for granted. Hugs and handshakes will no longer be taken for granted.

As the world turns and time clocks on, as we all endure the global and personal challenges of pandemic life, remember that inside of you, exists the person you have always been. Slowing down or temporarily changing your routine does not mean anything has been lost. And abandoning yourself now is like leaving a sick child to suffer on their own.

So what if I haven't showered in a few days? So what if I get winded from the slightest activity? So what if my outer self does not match what I usually see in the mirror? I am still here.

And so are you. So are all of us. We may not feel our brightest and shiniest at the moment. We may be hanging on by a thread, and unable to give everything we have before. It's ok to take care of yourself right now. It's always ok to put yourself first, but particularly now, during stress and the unknown, take some extra care and some extra light for you. I find myself struggling to reach out to others, and to be there for them. Maybe the person who needs me the most right now, is me.