When I avoid conflict for the sake of others, and to prevent my own temporary discomfort, I become victim to everyone else and every life circumstance that comes my way. Instead, I am learning to create my own reality.
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We are always sending arrows of intention into the Universe. And the arrow will always land where it was aimed - that's physics. Luckily, unlike the Archery class I took in High School, I don't have to worry about my skill at lining up the arrow with the bullseye. In life, whatever our need, goal, or desire, the Universe will provide it. Sometimes quickly, and sometimes not quickly. That part isn't for us to decide.
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This is why we return, again and again, to our practice. We return to remember who we are. We return because each time we taste the sweetness of acceptance, and a feeling that everything really will be ok, like a yummy dessert, we want to taste it again and again. We return because it is human nature to forget. We return because glimpsing the soul, as it's called in the 7th Limb of yoga, Dhyana (Meditation), is just that - a glimpse.
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I didn't stay fixed on the ONE final decision, but I moved forward anyway, with many tiny decisions that eventually gave me the strength and the knowing that separation from my husband was the right thing. It was like collecting data for a science project except the project was me and the experiment was my life. By not remaining still, by moving forward despite, by trusting the unknown, more was revealed along the way.
It turns out, what I thought was a decision to end my marriage was actually so much more.
None of my life looks like what I had planned. A lot of the time I feel like I am starting completely over. I imagined many aspects of my life would be easier and more clear-cut when I took those steps down the aisle. I knew my husband and I would go through losing one another's parents. I knew we would raise children and share parenting triumphs and trials. I didn't imagine my marriage would look like this, but maybe what it looks like doesn't matter. Maybe what it looks like is perfect the way it is.
If the point of marriage is to feel love, I have. If the point of marriage is to support someone through thick and thin, I have. If the point of marriage is to create and nurture a family moving forward, we do.
This month, I am challenging myself (and you) to do one small thing. Instead of piling a monstrous undertaking onto myself and my circumstance, and then abandoning ship when I can't follow through, I choose an attainable, close-up goal. I choose a honed-in view, something I can see and almost reach.
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I was bought back, back to the days of sleepless nights and senseless worry that I was doing something wrong. I was reminded of the all-consuming task of having a baby, and the fleeting preciousness of it all. Of course, the overall time span is short while the individual days and nights so long. I witnessed the conflict of holding an adorable, puffily-diapered bottom and the equal desire to potty-train soon. I remembered the magic of falling asleep next to a warm baby’s body and also wondering when it will all end and go back to normal.
I was there, and now I am here, on the other side. Nothing gets easier, we parents only adjust to the inevitable shifts in time and do the best we can within each seemingly forever phase of raising children. I would love the chance to snuggle again with my small babies, without also having to endure the strength and sacrifice it takes to get through new parenthood. But that’s not how it works.
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We come to our mats confused, alone, and afraid. We come to see what these poses are all about. We come to check out the hype and the trend. We leave lighter, and we wonder why. So we return, again and again, and pretty soon, we notice physical changes. Then, subtler, emotional changes. What is happening? We keep arriving on our mat. We keep up with the practice. And before we know it, yoga has seeped into the places that needed healing and growth, the places we hadn’t even considered or paid any attention. Yoga wakes up areas of our life we have long ago buried.
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A good way to acknowledge an intuitive thought is to follow up - when an idea comes into your head, while driving, walking, or working, and you are unsure if it's real, or you want to know more, continue to ask yourself questions.
Asking questions at least acknowledges that something spoke to you. Treat your inner voice like a friend, or the most perfect and free life coach. Get curious, and ask questions like, "What did you mean by that?" "Interesting, I hadn't thought of it that way..." "How exactly should I proceed?" "That's a lot, what's the next small step I can take?"
Your pain is valid. Just because you're not starving, homeless, or experiencing some other form of major trauma, does not mean you don't have room and reason to heal. When we judge and compare our circumstance and our past to another's, in order to invalidate our own experience, we excuse ourself from the responsibility to heal.
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Our version of love, the story we've been told since we were little girls wearing ballerina slippers and watching Disney movies, this version of love is so... so... limiting. Our version of love sits in a gilded cage, created by us, and fed by fairytales. The story of the princess being rescued by the prince is one version of love. Maybe it's your fairytale, and maybe it even came true. Or maybe you are not a prince or a princess, and your version looks a little different than the woman sitting in the tower who waits for a man on a white horse to save her. Regardless, our attachment to love as a person, a relationship, or a rescuer, is only one version.
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Don't be deceived, if you are on a journey to uncover your pain, if you are actively seeking a new lifestyle, a new perspective, or a new way of talking to yourself, the journey will look a lot like falling down and trying to get back up. The journey will look like you can't get it right - until you do. Removing layers of self doubt, self criticism, and self hatred takes a lot of practice. We've been so conditioned to play the role and not let anyone see our true nature that we are bound to feel and look uncomfortable along the way.
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I do believe the body can be a catalyst for healing, especially if your body has been a source of pain or abuse. When we punish the body, we punish our Self. And this can only be determined through our intention. The act of eating ice cream is not unhealthy, but the story behind it is. Running is not unhealthy, but the story behind it is. Our bodies will oblige us. What are we telling them?
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We forgo our instincts in the name of logic. We are unsettled in our job, but afraid to make a change. We don't want to take the next step until we have more pieces in place, just to be sure. We don't want to be wrong. Our heart screams at us in the form of frustration, impatience, or unhappiness, and we still tell ourselves we need more time. We are not ready to commit to a choice because it's too scary when we don't know the full picture. So we delay any movement at all. We stand still. We crave something we can explain to others. We don’t feel comfortable or wise saying, "My heart made me do it."
But why not?
The times when I need focus the most are also the times I resist stillness all together, or I get up too soon before I have given presence a proper chance. Some days take longer to settle in than others. Some days are a fight to stop, sit, and stay. I hear my mind teasing me, "You can't do this, not today. There's way too much going on and you're way too much of a mess. I can give you 10 things to get up and do right now that are more important than sitting here trying to meditate."
When focus is hard, I persist. I owe it to myself. My daily distractions and missteps are nudges to get still and get clear. Focus isn't supposed to be easy, not when we live such multi-faceted lives with so much access and attention.
I feed myself the story that I can be more, and therefore, receive more approval from those around me. Looking back, I am glad my path has been what it is, up and down, filled with detours and tragedies. I’ve learned along the way that I am the only one who needs to be fulfilled and happy with a decision. Furthermore, I am the only one who knows what I need.
The greatest part is, once I am fulfilled, others who care about me will also be happy, and I will have accomplished what I tried to in the first place.
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Our reactions to situations point directly to our internal state. Are we angry? Anger will surface in our reaction to a life situation. Are we full of guilt? Guilt will surface in our reactions during the day. So will pride, joy, and yes, peace. There are many ways to react to the same scenario. Today is everything because it is an opportunity to observe your reactions, and therefore your inner emotional being. Today is an opportunity to choose differently and create a new internal imprint.
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Take a minute and ask yourself, "What do I need to hear right now?" Your heart already knows. Your wise intuition tells you the next right move. You don't have to resist your inner voice just because it's telling you to do something you don't want to do. There's a difference between talking yourself out of something hard and following your gut.
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